Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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