I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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