i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
