The best revenge is premature balding
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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