She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Found the puke drawer
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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