____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
