btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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