Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
