Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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