The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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