Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I love having hate sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
