I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think I have vodka in my lungs
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
