well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
