is your mom at the bar?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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