you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
