my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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