Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
