When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
