just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
