look no pants
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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