Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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