i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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