I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
