ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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