I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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