Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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