He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
