you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
