I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
