and you said cock pushups were impossible
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
