I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
