Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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