Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
