apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
