I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
