She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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