my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
