why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
