Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
