Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we're making bets on your personal life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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