I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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