Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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