At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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