Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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