I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
