The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize