i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
