great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just found puke in my bra..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
