at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
