If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
