Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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