walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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