You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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