Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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