its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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