Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
