Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
oh god the rape fog is back!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
