I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
