dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
