I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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