Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
